I suppose I should give some sort of obligatorily happy post in which I say everything is going great and la la la la.
But I can't.

The last week, I think has only been hell because I let it be so. I can blame everyone around me, but it's mostly my fault. At least it's easier to think that. I have to admit, I knew this would not be an easy time in my life. But I have a teacher that I feel like I cannot talk to about much of anything... I'm tired of her and I just want the next nine days to be over. I don't want to think that way but I believe one reason I am not doing as well as I could is because part of me does not give a crap.

I know classroom management does not come over night. I have learned that. My artistic talent did not come overnight. My relationship with Mathis did not come overnight. I will be alright once I have my own room, can set up my own system and have my own little evil empire going.

And the fact that my teacher had us split the art classes into two different lessons and proceed to teach them seperately has not helped matters. It's hard to define when I was suppose to take over the whole class. I was under the assumption it would have been at the 3-4 week mark. Because by then, the goal was to have everyone finished with clay and stitchery and to flip at that point. But of course, it did not happen as so. So we've been both plodding along, co-teaching and then she fusses at me b/c they are out of hand these days. And it's like... WTF? We did say at one point a week or so ago, I was going to "take over" but it would have been much nicer to not be running the same unit. It would make things less confusing to me.

The only class that has been my own consistently is my 7th period humnanities. And they are having ups and downs. I can get over that class... it's no suprise. It's my fourth period that's giving me hell now. The dynamics are... odd. Ms. C tells me, "they know how to be quiet, they are good kids... yadda yadda yadda," and that I "saw all this at the beginnning of the year". No, I really don't believe I did, I was too busy worrying about teaching the kids stitchery to pay much attention to watching her classroom mgmt. Cause there really wasn't much time I was inactive. I can see now why they want you to be just "there" the first couple of weeks... and by god, at Barret... I am sitting on my arse for at least that long. To get use to the kids, the routine, to see how the teacher there handles things and to give myself some rest time.
I will not alienate myself, I will gladly help/assist/give advice/opinion/etc where needed but I will not be teaching a lesson in the first two weeks. That much I promise.

I think the other major issue I have lately is being told to "stay positive". If one more person tells me that I might be forced to sucker punch them. It's hard, some times you just need to be negative and vent... especially last week, it was a bad week. This week isn't horrible at the moment but it's not stellar at this point. And it's only Monday. Sad, ain't it?

I believe tomorrow will be better. I refuse anything else. I am tired of being grumpy, coming home frustrated... altho I know I will have more days as so, but I do not want to cry again. It's not the kids doing it to me... it's everything. With the wedding, with school, with student teaching... life is just one big curveball right now.
Everyone, just keep me in your heart.
I try not to ask too much.
Send some happy thoughts and prayers and positive zeness my way. ^_^


Oh yeah, I Actually have some art to post eventually.
When I get around to taking an image of it after I mount it.